Relationship with Life

Notice Anything new??? I have spent some serious time working on the look of the blog and even was able to change my URL and title to something more befitting me.

I have also updated the about me page, and there is even a video now that will really catch your attention, along with some awesome pictures and stories.

The last few weeks have been interesting with school. Its nothing terrible either, its just busy being well busy. Between Band, and Lacrosse and School. I have neglected life on here, and that isn't fair so I apologies.

A real struggle everyone can understand as of late is the relationship world that just isn't what we see in movies and it isn't really a dating scene anymore, its a booty call world.

What we want

Reality

I am so old fashion apparently and I am not looking for Mr. Right Now, but Mr. Right. I know there are wonderful decent men out there, and my best guy friend is one such guy, but he is three years younger than me and more of a brother than anything else. 

But I am grateful for that relationship, I mean him and I are so comfortable around each other we can talk about anything and everything without judgment. Plus its just great to have an exploration buddy, thank goodness for him. Our time is often spent together in Band and well he lives close to me on campus and back home so we drive together a lot. Being his "older sister" has been awesome and grateful for the relationships god gives you when you least expect. Him and I have experienced so many things from love, loss to even near death experiences and thankfully the relationship is so easy, he now is able to tease me about random things, but of course, that isn't terribly hard once you know me. I somehow make it easy without trying, and that in turn makes for a rather interesting and fun social life, and best brother over here adds to that by singing awesome songs such as the Spice Girls Wanna Be in the car with me on long drives. I love that he has a long term girl friend he cares deeply about, and talks about her all the time. I know that when I find the right guy, he wont be perfect, but he will be perfect for me. I will be able to use the phrase it feels as easy as breathing and the meshing part will work out smoothly.

My "brother" has also helped me learn what I really want in a man, and its not what I was think at 16, definitely not what I wanted at 18, and even at 20, and it also isn't him. 

At 16: I just wanted someone who would be what I though would be a movie fairy tale ending. I can say for sure, that the fairy tale is not written in the movies, because each and every person has their own unique story. I just didn't want to embrace that concept, I wanted the end result. 

At 18: I felt like I had learned so much and was prepared for anything. I was invincible (that quickly went away with my health) My ideal boy was still a boy, someone I thought I could "grow into" not grow with. Needless to say that didn't work either

At 20: It took me a while to figure out how something that felt so right could also feel so completely wrong. I thought it was me, like I needed to do this or that, be this or that. go here or there. Then after we broke up I realized, that was completely stupid. I am worth so much more than what I let myself feel. I am really smart and beautiful and was capable of far more than I ever thought. 

Now don't get me wrong, this relationship was wrong for me, but he was by no means abusive, I just felt worse about myself when I was with him, and I didn't like that, but at the same time I didn't understand that. We are still friends and talk occasionally. 

But one thing I will say, I am glad I had these relationships. Each one taught me something about myself and who I wanted to be and who I didn't want to be.  

I have been single for almost two years now, and you know what. It has been AMAZING. I have grown so much as a person because of it, and I am self reliant, confident and feel better about myself. 

With myself getting older (Ill be 22 in June) I have thought about dating a guy, and I have one guy I find extremely attractive, I just don't want to rush into anything. I have learned through trial and error that evolution makes for a better relationship. I don't want a father for a boyfriend, I want a best friend. 

Someone who can laugh at my mistakes or clumsy moments, who builds me up when I am down and allows me to do the same with them. To get lost on a back country road and find ourselves in a new experience. Trust is just as important as attraction. I want to wait for the guy who challenges me to be my best self, who encourages me to try new things, even if he knows I will hate them, just so I can say I experienced it. 

My life contrary to popular belief is far from empty. I enjoy every single minute of it and know that when that man comes into my life, I will be ready for him. Had I wished i'd have known that when I was 16, yes, but then again. I am glad for the mistakes that lead me to where I am today. Without them, I don't know if I would be the same person.